Sunday, February 8, 2009

Finally posted after attempted 4 times.

Happy Presidents day.
I should be studying for the test i have tomorrow that i have not really studied for yet but instead here i am trying to finish one blog entry for the 4th time..

Valentines weekend overview..

I got to see Matthew for the first time since January 8th. Best weekend ever. i really like him :) A few things i learned.. 1. the flu sucks majorly. And when people say you feel like you want to die when you have it its true. 2. Matt has really cool friends who make me want to be cooler. 3. i have the best boyfriend in whole world. (seriously) i already knew this but just gets confirmed more and more every time i am with him, especially after this weekend when he took care of me on valentines day by not sleeping so he could make sure i had medicine in my body every 4 hours and to make sure i didn't still have a fever... he did a great job at playing mom.

This next part of the blog i started a week or so ago.. might change if i wrote it again today but here it is saved from last week.

(February 9th)
i went home this weekend to go to Nashville for my sisters dance competition. She danced beautifully and watching her made me miss dancing and as always made me a little sad it was no longer a part of my life at all. We sat in the auditorium from about 8:30 till 11 o clock at night with only one break in there for lunch. so with all this time i had a ton of time to think.. think about a lot. The long car ride home and there also gave room in my mind to wonder to many different places. I thought about where i am spiritually and where i want to be. I thought about my life why i feel like Ive been running from the lord. just to be honest.
I told davis ann the other day that i think there are treadmills built into this "narrow path" that as believers we take. I say this because for i while i felt like i was going someplace, i was running this race with my eyes fixed ahead, my heart engaged, and my mind focused. Lately feel like i must have jumped on the treadmill somewhere along the way because i feel like I'm running but am not moving.. or really that Ive started walking and am not moving. In reality i know this isn't true, we go through different times where we are strong and focused and other times its hard and we get lost. i don't want to be here, but still don't have much drive and desire to change. Today my pastor back home talked about our personal life vision. Vision being where we have our eyes fixed, what we have our faith in, and what attitude we have about life. He used the story of the Israelites waiting for the promise land. The Lord provided the with so much, and was so faithful to everything he told them he would do. Yet when they saw trouble or an obstacle in the way the doubted the Lord. He talked about our faith and our reactions to when we see obstacles in our own lives. He said that you can tell a lot about a persons heart by the way the react to obstacles in their lives. They do 1 of 2 things. They either draw closer to the Lord or move farther away from him. One main reason being fear. And fear is something Ive always dealt with. In my case it makes me wonder about my my heart and why i want to run away. what do i not get? I know He is good and i know he loves me but why do we not live like we believe it sometimes. Its not even like i feel like i am doing something wrong and want to run away from him its just to the point when persevering is hard when desire isn't strong and the easiest thing to do is go the other way. Its weird its not like i feel like i have tangible obstacles in my way like situations that are taking place but more things going on, on the inside. My heart longs for more of God but at the same time the same places in my that longs for him resist letting itself have more of him. In one way being in community. Ive have a problem for a while not wanting to be around people, i don't have very many close friends anymore, or really at all. No one i talk to about stuff that is here and i don't have a group that just enjoys being with each other as the body. At crusade our director Jeff has been talking about how our lives are not our own and how we were made to be in community. We have to have each other to grow and to move. And i know this is an area i need to work at myself. I haven't ever had to really be intentional with my friendships. Usually they have just fallen into place and have worked but over the past year they have fallen out of place. I want to work in being intentional and giving of myself to people. To love and let myself be loved. I know this is one of the obstacles in my hearts way. Who knows what this next week will bring. Hopefully good things. Because everything he does is for my good :) thank goodness

Song of the day: "Meet Me by the River" by Enter the Worship Circle.


sandra said...

hey fav.
i love your heart
i love your honesty
i love your friendship
i love that you have a blog

and i havent met matt or his friends but there is no way they are cooler than you.. ;)

i like longsleeves. said...

:) aw yay. thanks sandra. I sure do love you :)

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